We all want a compassionate heart but many of us don’t know how to get one.

You can’t find them in Target or Walmart and you can’t use someone else’s as a loaner.

For better or worse, you have to use your own heart as the working heart to develop compassion. Easier said than done. Most of our hearts are blackened over like a delicious catfish, with rage, jealousy, envy, hate, misogyny, racism, and those are its best qualities.

So how does one turn their hateful, blackened heart into one of compassion, love, and sensitivity? Glad you asked…

1. Take Probiotics. If your feces is really thick and black what do you think your heart’s going to be like? You need probiotics to help digest your food. You know the old saying, “Your bowels set the stage for the heart to shine.”

2. Deal with as few people as possible. Other people are the biggest obstacle for developing compassion. You’d almost think it was their life mission to keep you from feeling compassion. The less people you come in contact with the better. Fucking assholes.

3. Practice with a mannequin. It’s not easy to offer help to a real human being, which is why we need to practice. Invest in a mannequin to practice saying things like “I want to help you” and “I empathize with you.” You’ll need this verbal muscle memory when you’re with an actual person and you don’t give a shit about them but you need to sound like you do.

4. Wear clean underwear. This gives you an extra bit of verve. When you feel good you’re likelier to make others feel good. Think about all the people in the world who don’t have clean underwear, or any underwear at all. Reflect on what their genitals must look like, how dirty they are. Now think about mayonnaise and relish.​

5. Say “I am compassionate” daily in front of the mirror. Repeat this mantra until you believe it, or think you do. You’re gonna need to have conviction when you’re arguing with someone who says you’re not compassionate. If you’ve convinced yourself you are compassionate then you’re one step closer to winning the argument. “Don’t tell me I’m not compassionate” is another good one to repeat on a daily basis.