In a world where turtles are being slain by plastic straws, K-Cups strangle whales, and shopping bags stab birds, I’m getting pretty fired up. I’m sure you are too. We all know that global warming didn’t exist before Donald Trump so what do we as average spiritual beings do?
Recycling is cool but how do we make sure that your carbon footprint stays shallow while in a shallow grave?
Here are five tips to make sure your corpse is swallowed into the earth without needing a chaser.
1. Die in the woods.
While you may think getting hospital treatment is good for you, it is incredibly selfish. Hospitals have a massive carbon footprint. They can give you penicillin but you know what else they can give you? Guilt. The earth is your mother, your father, and your personal God; she will take care of you. Go to the woods to die; your mother/father/god will be proud.
2. Die Sooner.
As you live, walk, and breathe you are hurting the existence of everyone around you. While you make think that you can contribute to the solution by being an activist, political figure, or conscientious citizen, the best you can do is leave the mortal plane ASAP. Even if your “doctor” says you’ll pull through, pull out completely. Even if your family will be sad, you’re doing it for your global brothers and sisters.
3. Cover yourself in birdseed.
Even though the existence of birds is highly controversial, covering yourself in their seed isn’t. When you die, cover yourself with at least four gallons of the food. All types of creatures will embrace you as they slowly consume your earthly meat prison. As they slowly gnaw at the arms that once held your child, know that you’re telling your mother/father/god that you don’t care about that. You only care about the environment.
4. Find someone to eat you.
We all agree locally sourced food IS better. That includes a local cannibal. Cannibals have to go far and wide for the exclusive products they want. This leaves a massive carbon footprint that ruins our earth. Don’t know a local cannibal? They’re easy to find. Apps like Plenty of Fish, Monster.com, Craigslist and Uber Pool are always available to you. If you’re into the “analog” way of cannibal-finding there are options for you too. Strip club parking lots, alleys under bridges, and traveling carnivals are all great ways to meet!
5. Live out the rest of your days in a compostable box.
This one is a personal favorite of mine. I’m currently in a small pine box in the middle of the Redwood Forest, cherishing my last breaths as I starve to death in darkness. While many think this is extreme, it’s only because they don’t understand my love for this earth. I have no phone, computer, or internet and it is the most at peace I’ve ever felt. I communicate solely through carrier pigeons, writing on large pieces of bark. I have no regrets, or bottom half of my body. At long last, I shall become one with the earth and reach Valhalla. But if pine doesn’t work for you, oak is much cheaper.
Written by Nate Jones.
