In order to get into a place where my body and mind are one, I go through a particular ritual to unite my chakras: I dip my penis into a small cauldron of green tea. This spreads a warmth through my being and provides my energy channels with the holistic healing effects that green tea offers the body.

Once it is submerged and I feel the relaxation spread through my being I begin to chant the heart sutra and the 26 precepts to enlightenment.

Why am I telling you this? This is my practice. Everyone’s practice is different. Some do yoga, some simply meditate, others assist the dying in hospitals to ease with the transition.

I find that my time is better suited with my phallus submerged and steeping within the tranquil waters of green tea. I do this for the benefit of all sentient beings.

That’s the thing: you might be thinking, “This sounds like it only benefits you.” Ah ha, it might sound that way, but the truth is I dedicate this act to all beings. So any bliss or comfort I receive, any opening of the mind that occurs, all of this merit goes out to the universe and benefits everyone.

So you who criticize and judge, you have already received the benefit of my soaking green tea penis. And you have received the benefits of my chant.

No one knows the mysteries of the universe and things that seem odd may actually be life savers. I initially wasn’t going to reveal my ways to the world but then I said, no, what if someone else can benefit more than they already have from my dedication? It wouldn’t be right to keep this ancient secret from them.

So I offer you this remedy for the poisons of the mind. Steep your genitals in a mildly hot pot of green tea. Chant the precepts of enlightenment in their original Sanskrit. Keep your third eye open. Dedicate the blessings to all beings. And then wait.