Compassion works in funny ways. We don’t often think of compassion as smashing someone’s brains, but if someone’s riding your fucking ass on the highway and simply won’t budge, it is actually more compassionate to smash their brains in than to peacefully switch lanes.
Tailgaters create heaping loads of negative karma when they ride someone’s ass for miles, and you can bet this disgusting behavior doesn’t stop when they get off the highway. Thus, spiritually speaking, it makes more sense to smash their brains in so they don’t accrue more negative karma for themselves, and also to save others from getting their ass ridden by an ass-sniffing shit-for-brains.
It’s important to think of them as our modern day Hitlers. If you had the chance to go back in time and kill Hitler, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t that be the compassionate thing to do so millions of people wouldn’t die? Well, good news! You can stop working on that time machine because the highway is littered with little Hitlers all over the place, creating holocausts for everyone. It’s nothing short of a holocaust when a tailgater insists on jamming their stupid car face all the way into your auto rectum.
Which is why you need to keep a bag of rocks (stay with me) and loads of blunt instruments in your car at all times: bats, metal poles, cinder blocks – whatever works. You’ll need to incite a road rage incident with them so they follow you off the highway. Once off the highway and out of the car, start throwing as many rocks as possible at their head. Once they fall to the ground, grab your blunt instrument of choice and begin to smash their brains. Make sure to say out loud, “Don’t tailgate me!”
And then get in your car and live the life you were meant to live.
