Scared of dying? Well, get in line. But there may be some hope. Scientists have discovered that young blood can rejuvenate the blood of older people. It won’t immortalize you but it can give you that inner glow you’ve been looking for.
Sounds easy enough, but you’re probably asking yourself, “how much is this going to cost?” Well, that should be your second question. The first question should be, “But where will I find this children’s blood?”
Glad you asked! At the new “Rejuvenate With Child’s Blood” workshop, the Child’s Blood Rejuvenation Organization (CBRO) has all the child’s blood you’ll ever need. More than enough, some say. Your next question might be, “But where are they getting this child’s blood?” The CRBO says on their now defunct website: “All of our child’s blood comes from comatose children with the consent of their doctor and parents.”
Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Who are these doctors and parents who consent to have blood taken from their children while in a coma???” And to that we say, don’t worry so much! Jeesh, what’re you, Jewish? The CRBO has the blood. End of story. That’s all you need to know.
So, now that we have that settled….are you getting excited??? Well, start getting excited, because a new you is around the corner! Some of the benefits of child’s blood include:
- Getting out of bed in the morning without groaning
- Sitting down without emitting an “Oof”
- Feeling like you need to run suddenly
- The kidneys of a 10 yr old
- Redder erections and fuller vaginas
We know what you’re thinking – this sounds too good to be true, but we’re telling you it’s not! Just take this website that you stumbled on’s word for it, for chrissakes! God, is this the world we live in now where no one can trust anyone if they say have quality child’s blood? Is that the world you want to live in? Alright, you live in it then. Meanwhile, we’ll be rejuvenating our bloodstream with young delicious child’s blood.
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Price: $1000/pint! You didn’t think this was going to be cheap, did you? These are children we’re talking about, have a little sympathy, and grow up, you coward.
