“My eagle client doesn’t like rain.”

What got you started with this work?

I’ve always loved baboons and birds. Glorious creatures.

When did you discover that you could communicate with animals?

It took me about thirty years to de-code their language. I recorded their vocal noises, then observed their behaviors and took detailed notes. Also, pomegranates.

Wow, that’s impressive.

I thought so, but I’ve taken on their pain and now I mostly just cry.

What issues do the animals come to you with?

As a therapist, I’ve sworn to an oath of patient/doctor confidentiality. With that said, my eagle client doesn’t like rain.

What else do they talk about?

My raccoon client groaned that the residents of a particular house stopped eating pizza and chicken wings, so his trash-diving only turned up apple cores and granola crumbs. He felt so entitled. I suggested he go to another house’s trash cans, but he was too lazy to try! He also stained my couch something awful.

What does the future of Dr. Branch and the animals hold?

I really can’t say. I’ve cut down my caseload. At this point, I’m hoping they just stop calling for me and handle their problems on their own.

Interviewed by Skinny Cool Kid.