I’ll be the first to admit that it’s the worst when you’re at a party and someone says that their stomach doesn’t feel good, but they don’t take your expert opinion on how to remedy their illness.

People probably give them suggestions like ginger ale or Pepto Bismol, but when you chime in, everyone yells at you to shut up, when all you did was suggest that they adopt a new, cleaner diet and try some of your spiced ginger root kombucha that, yes, you brewed all by yourself.

Have you been saying that all night to random people? Yes, but it’s because you care; it’s because you know that kombucha is the miracle drink that everyone needs, and let’s be real with ourselves, they need to listen to you.

Now, some people may have an attitude that you’re not a doctor, and that you don’t know what you’re talking about, but believe me, if you brew kombucha, you know exactly what you’re talking about. Do these people even know how hard it is to brew kombucha? How much research goes into it?

If they understood then you wouldn’t have to tell whoever is in earshot the painstaking process of getting the right amount of yeast and the right flavor while they pretend to be on their phone texting someone.

Let’s break it down for people who don’t brew kombucha. There are a ton of health benefits ranging from having good gut health to curing cancers and heart disease. I mean, I doubt people who don’t brew kombucha know anything about that stuff. The only cons I know of that kombucha has is that your friends will slowly stop talking to you, but when you’re an authority on health, you need to do your part to make the world a healthier place.

The process of actually brewing it is pretty fascinating if I do say so myself, but I’m not going to give away my secret recipe to someone who can’t really appreciate what goes into it (if you are a brewer, email me the secret phrase, and we’ll discuss techniques). All you need is some tea bags, sugar, and time. It’s very much like brewing beer, but with more bragging involved.

I’ve brewed craft beer in the past up until I heard about the latest trend of brewing kombucha, then I put my childish ways behind me, and took on this great duty to help my fellow man. This is my cross to bear.

Because kombucha is so healthy, I don’t even go to the doctors anymore. I would bet that I am healthier now than I was before I started brewing this magic elixir. I drink kombucha everyday and my favorite part is eating the scoby: that delicious bacteria colony that looks and tastes like fruit flavored placenta.

I’ve put the kombucha into mason jars – six hundred and twenty-two to be exact (they are for sale if that wasn’t clear) – and have explained to people that you’re supposed to see the bacteria float throughout it. The health benefits trump the taste and texture. After a while of drinking it you get to appreciate the taste that at first makes you gag and question why you’re ingesting this liquid.

Listen, my fellow kombucha brewers and I decided to take time out of our busy schedules to make this ambrosia, and we deserve respect. We are more qualified than doctors. Kombucha has been around for ages, so who needs scientific studies? As a kombucha brewer, I know more than you ever could with your research and peer-reviewed articles, so why don’t you just listen to me?

Written by Ryan Curtiss.