As soon as I heard about the healing properties of the Jade Egg I knew I needed to order this powerful rock to clear my chi pathways and create a Chao Garden inside of my bussy.

Once a dirty little secret of historical Chinese side hos, I took the leap to embrace my femininity and reinvigorate my life force by inserting a foreign object into my body cavity.

Once I received my $70 rock (with shipping & careful handling), I made sure to follow the instructions.

Step 1: Boil the egg.

Oh! It’s like we’re making easter eggs! Fun!

Step 2: Insert.

The thing is, it’s rather large. 1¼”. I had trouble stuffing the goop gravel in my boy oven, so I used some of my $85 Pure Calm essential oils to grease it up and pop it in like a skeeball in the 30 point hole. Then the cleansing of my yoni may begin.

I can feel the negativity float away while I squeeze and do my butt kegels. The sorcerer’s stone increases my chi, heals my emotional wounds, hooks up my chakras, and other things that you really had to be there to feel.

Step 3: Clean it.

I would love to have jumped right to that part but my mangina doesn’t seem to be a two-way street and despite there being a hole drilled into it for string, nowhere in the steps did it mention to lasso it before insertion. The nurses said they’ll take care of it for me though.

While it did not heal my coronavirus issues (It’s just a flu, guys. Relax.), it did really loosen up my sphincter for taking really easy, albeit confusingly painful dumps.

As for the COVID-19, I think the healing crystal I also purchased is curing me. I’m coughing slightly less, though I am bleeding much, much more. Must be the remaining toxins leaving my body.

Of course, since I’m a Black Hole Sun-Blue Moon-Cancer Rising, my next Gwyneth path to follow will be: I will allow myself to be stung by bees to clear my skin.

Written by Brett McCabe.