My vegan boyfriend is obsessed with putting miso paste on everything he eats. Now his spunk tastes like someone dipped an old mushroom in the ocean for 30 years, liquidized it, and then squeezed it into my mouth. On top of that, it’s starting to turn green.

I read on the internet that miso paste has fermented soybeans, salt, seaweed and fungus in it. Fungus!!! What do I do? I love my boyfriend, but I don’t want to go down on him or even have him cum inside of me because I can see the green ooze out of my vagina.

Please help!!

Sincerely,

Miss Mushroom Mouth

G’day Miss Mushroom Mouth!

Oh jizz, that is quite a conundrum.

But don’t feel alone, this actually happens a lot more than you’d think; many have come to me with this problem.

My best friend, Meadow, dated a guy who loved eating the saltiest seafood — anchovies, sardines, anglerfish fangs— and she said that when he came in her mouth it felt like she was swallowing the dumpster in the back alley of a seafood market, which gave her childhood flashbacks. Yes, she had a weird childhood.

I think you should take this as an opportunity for your own diet. The vegan lifestyle is super healthy. I say go down on your boyfriend on the days when you eat crap. Burger and fries for dinner? Go down on your boyfriend that night and bulk up on your veggies. Think of it as your own vegan buffet.

And if your man is carrying a yummy, salty, fungusy smoothie in his peen, open wide sister and take it in! Pro tip: keep a beverage ready on the nightstand (Pepsi or cranberry juice goes best with fungus).

And if it makes you feel any better, my advice totally worked for Meadow. She sucks so much of her man’s seafood shakes now that she announced via Facebook Live her decision to become a pescatarian. I just love happy endings.

I hope this helps! Feel free to reach back out on how it goes.

Stay healthy,

Cosmic Celeste