Ah, yes. Here we are again. Another primary season is just around the corner.

The 2020 democratic candidates are stuffed tighter than a grape leaf. As of the date of this article, there are 23 candidates to choose from. As a woman who happens to be asexual, how will I know who to vote for if I don’t want to have sex with any of them?

The solution was to serve others by serving myself. The primary debates are tonight and tomorrow (6/26-27 9pm NBC) so before you listen to them drag Trump for hours, I constructed all of my opinions which is all you need to know about the candidates before they even speak on a MSM platform.

So here we go!

The Montana version of Southern Charm’s Thomas Ravenel. This moderate who won re-election by pulling in 50.2% doesn’t seem like the guy who can beat Trump in the general. One of his platform policies says that he’s an advocate for campaign finance reform. You can see how that is clearly implemented by the creation of his own PAC, Blue Sky Values, which has received large donations from the CEOs of companies but not the companies themselves. If I had a sex drive it would be dried up right now.

Michael Bennett is clearly juking out the competition with his entry in the race. Being a former Philadelphia Eagle makes him a champion of liberty and brotherhood but is he fuckable? Well, he is a self-described moderate … as evidenced by his unwavering support for the Keystone XL Pipeline. He fumbled twice on the defense by making himself connect with the opposing team. My genitals are smoothing over.

Ah Joe. The male reboot of establishment DNC. The Anita Hill Hearings, the 1994 Crime Bill, voting to cut social programs, working with segregationists, plagiarism, and using his son’s death to advance his political career, NOTHING will make me fuck Joe Biden. I’m probably not his type anyway because I’m not a child. To be fair, I also don’t want to fuck anyone.

Sure, we need to support our troops but that doesn’t mean you have to support them for president. As a military guy, he’s opposed to more war but wants to balloon our defense spending budget on “modern-age” warfare, AKA cyber and biological weapons. Semper fi to the military industrial complex and promoting new ways to kill people before climate change does. Do I want him to infect me biologically? No. I also don’t identify as male or female. So…

A notable hottie, Eric Swalwell has been Rachel Maddow’s on-air straight lover for the last two years. Do I want to fuck him? No. But would I be interested in watching him suck stem cells out of more babies? Yes. And if I gotta be the one to supply them, so be it. His whole platform is gun control which yeah, we need. But he’s already introduced legislation. Do we need to elect him as president to make that happen? Not really. Do I enjoy sex? Not one bit.

A noted gesticulator, Tim Ryan is a handsy guy. He ran against Nancy Pelosi for minority speaker of the house and lost. With no platform, no ideas, or no know-how, it’s going to be a no for me wanting to fuck him, or anyone.

Despite being a life long Floridian, Wayne Messam is arguably attractive. He started a construction business in 2007. The economy collapsed in 2008 which just shows the foresight that this guy has. He doesn’t have employees working on his candidacy. He calls them “vendors and consultants” which is construction talk for 1099 employees with no benefits. I don’t fuck with people who don’t fuck with worker’s rights. I also don’t fuck with anyone. Period.

Sk8rboii Beto entered the race after a failed attempt to de-seat zodiac killer, Ted Cruz in 2016. O’Rourke has been described as the missionary position of presidential candidates. Recently, he has introduced a “war-tax” which will tax non-military households for veteran’s service. Yet he fails to address the implementation of a “war tax” on companies who benefit from war the most. He reminds me of the guy who I lost my virginity to: an industrious trust fund baby who can’t even drop in at FDR Skatepark. Do I want to relive that experience? Absolutely not. He wasn’t even in the Mars Volta. At least the punk I lost my virginity to had a band that was signed by Lobster Records.

This cowboy yee-hawed into the race on the backs of rocks, hops, and geo-thermal infrastructure. Yet this reptilian wants to work with oil companies due to Colorado’s rich landscape of oil producing fields which he has a personal interest in. He’s definitely a switch hitter. His website doesn’t say anything about policy or platform. I’m not interested in fucking anyone who can’t be direct with what they want because I know what I don’t want. And that is to not fuck this man. Or any man; or woman; or nonbinary; or myself.

Fresh from the Matrix reloaded, we have candidate Jay Inslee. A self-described climate change reform pioneer, yet still white. Nothing really notable about this guy considering the legislative stand off with GOPers who are backed/protected by an armed militia in his home state of Washington. He has failed to act on this demonstrated destruction on democracy because he’s running for president. Not governing Washington State where he is currently the governor. So, it’s a no on if I want to fuck him.

Uncle Grandpa is back and he has not lost any momentum from his 2016 primary run. A silver fox and the only candidate that closely resembles MLK’s policies and platform, he has based his campaign around Medicare For All. He is the only candidate whose Medicare For All plan includes dental. His policies have clear implementation procedures and outlines. He recently unveiled a plan to cancel all student loan debt that isn’t tiered and has solid footing by taxing the stock market. He is the most defined candidate running. Do I want to fuck him? Still “No” but if dental’s involved I’ll disassociate and do oral.

Amy Klobuchar has been described as a “white collar worker,” however the long time crush of MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow made a name for herself in a different way: her whistleblower staff claims Klobuchar has a temper and is emotionally abusive. Four people denied to take her campaign chair role due to these claims. Obviously, she constantly has her period. And for that reason, I don’t want to fuck her.

A 2016 progressive favorite, Elizabeth Warren has maintained her “progressive” status despite back-rolling on Medicare For All, taking corporate PAC money, and being a self-declared “capitalist.” A former registered Republican and a self-endorsed-then-discredited indigenous person, she is favored by centrists in sheep’s clothing as progressive. She did not register as a democrat until 1996. I’m 30 and I’ve been a democrat longer than she has. But the question remains: do I want to fuck Liz? Nope.

I am from New Jersey so I have a huge bone to pick with Booker. The grass rooted pharma-bro who supports DACA and immigration reform recently had a fundraiser dinner in his honor hosted by Joe DiVincenzo, an Essex County executive who is currently aiding ICE by holding immigrants in the Essex County Jail. He’ll take money from anyone who will throw it at him. Do I want to fuck this nerd? No. Do I wish I didn’t have sex organs? You bet.

If Beto is the missionary position of presidential candidates, then Buttigieg is the ass play. The youngest of candidates, Buttigieg fails to impress me because despite being gay, he’s a cis white male. As the mayor of South Bend, more people have exiled themselves from his city than I’ve exiled myself from relationships claiming I met someone else, i.e. my nonbinary self. His emotional response to the police shooting an unarmed black man seemed more like a computer generated response and not a reflection of his actual emotions. Do I want to fuck him? He’s not into me or what I’m about, so no.

A.C.A.B.

So, No, I do not want to fuck her.

And even if I did, I wouldn’t enjoy it, because I don’t relate to sex.

This is the DNC’s first attempt at a cyborg candidate. She replaced Hillary Clinton’s seat in the Senate in 2009. She is the first robotic embodiment of everything that went wrong in 2016. Gillibrand has failed to poll higher than 0%. It’s not that people don’t know who she is but that they are fearful of machines with the power to govern. The question still remains: do I want to fuck her? No. I don’t like to be electrocuted as she supports the death penalty. I also want to remove all gender conforming roles from our society, but that’s just me.

A former HUD director, Castro made very little accomplishments during his tenure under the Obama Administration. I was unaware he ran for president in 2016 and I was unaware he was running this time as well. He said that he wouldn’t take PAC money from anyone so he made himself a PAC. His inexperienced nature makes me think he’s an inexperienced lover so I do not want to fuck him. And even if I did, I wouldn’t, because I don’t.

American Moana, Iraq war veteran and described cultist, is running for President. Back in 2016, I really liked her, however the more I dig into her history I don’t like what I find. She was against LGBT rights and has apologized for her bigotry but that’s not enough for me. If I’m not going to fuck her – or anyone else – I still want to not fuck someone who got it right the first time.

I first heard the name, Marianne Williamson, uttered by my therapist, which makes sense because I was in my therapist’s office. My therapist recommended one of her books to me. That’s enough for me not to fuck her, because I don’t do anything my therapist says. I also don’t want to fuck my therapist. Just for the record.

For a guy who wears a math hat, he sure doesn’t add up. I hear a lot of open mic comedians support him just because they want to make 1k a month. Well, that’s all well and good but the acceptance of UBI is the acceptance that capitalism cannot be regulated or controlled. He fails to address how if someone who makes 9k or less a year and then received 12k in UBI is ineligible for social programs. Plus, they are taxed at a higher rate due to being pushed into a new tax bracket. The program that he wants to implement to help the poorest individuals actually hurts them the most. It also says nothing about raising the federal minimum wage which is step one from lifting people out of poverty. Do I want to fuck him? Not like he wants to fuck the poorest of people.

Mouth full of marbles Delaney has taken the forced service to a whole new level to include civic service, climate service, and infrastructure service. I support the idea of national engagement but he’s presenting this as a moral dessert. “Do your time and I’ll let you get a scholarship.” Please. I am tired of doing things for cis white men to get a little piece of their privilege-tiered cake. He’s got some sound ideas but ugh, look at him. I could never fuck that. I’m more asexual now than when I started writing this review of him.

In conclusion, I know what I want in a president but not in a lover. It’s up to the DNC to support the dismantlement of oppressive systems like capitalism, corporate welfare and the military industrial complex to get me to fuck their candidate.

Tune in to NBC this Wednesday and Thursday at 9pm to watch the primary debates.

Written by Alli Coleman.