This isn’t your mother’s silent retreat.
When we say “silent” we mean it.
When you drive up to our campus gate a greeter will greet you with a terse “Shhh” and indicate that you should turn your car off, put it in neutral, and get out, without closing the door.
Our people will push your car into a field and let it roll until it stops.
You will remove all of your clothes and jewelry and bury them in the ground in a hole you will dig with your hands.
Naked, you will walk silently to your doorless room and you will stay there all day, every day, for each week you are registered.
Each room is equipped with a defecation hole in the floor. You are allowed three audible farts per week.
Food on a napkin will be brought to you. Eat the napkin too.
You will yawn through your nose, with your mouth closed, the way you do when you stifle your yawn in front of someone so as not to be rude.
We don’t care if you meditate or sit in downward dog all day long, that’s up to you, as long as you don’t make a fucking sound.
Punishment for 1st offenders for making sound: one of our silence guards will pinch you as hard as possible. If you say “Ow!” that’s another pinch. Take the pain or get the fuck out of here.
Punishment for 2nd offenders: we will gather everyone on campus into a main room – silently, mind you – and our silence guards will point at your genitals for an hour, directing everyone’s attention to them. Even if you are confident about your genitals eventually you won’t be.
We’ve never had a 3rd offender.
”Why would I do this?” you might be asking yourself. We’ll tell you this once and then never ask us again:
Shut your fucking mouth.
You are going to feel incredible at the end of your stay!
