1. Buy a meditation mat. Your legs and butt will be sore after awhile so you’ll need something soft to cushion the blow of your anxiety, I mean cosic.
2. Buy loose meditation pants. You’re going to need something loose and comfortable when you fold your legs. Even if you already own some loose, comfortable pants just buy another pair. You’ll want to get excited to put on your “meditation pants” to combat the fear of death that follows us around.
3. Buy a little bowl that you hit with a stick to make a ring sound. You’ve heard these things, maybe in a yoga class or in a movie. You hit the bowl with a little stick and it makes a nice, peaceful ring. You need this to commence the meditation and to end it. It’s fun and it’s something to do.
4. Buy some prayer beads. I’m not saying you’re going to use them, but you want to get in the mood and look the part. In Mike Ovitz’s biography, he knew he had to look the part of a successful agent if he wanted Hollywood to buy into him. Same thing here. You can wrap these around your wrist or your neck. Wrap it so fucking tight that you can’t breathe.
5. Buy one of those large golden Buddha statues. You can find one in ABC Carpet for thousands of dollars. If you want to scrimp – which we don’t recommend – you can find one for hundreds of dollars in various spiritual stores. You’ll want this as a companion when you do sit down. You’ll stare at it and think about lunch.
6. Buy a meditation cottage. Our modern lives are filled with distractions. You’re going to need as much quiet as you can get. A cottage in the woods is the perfect solution. Nothing fancy. Just someplace in the woods where you can smoke a ton of weed in privacy.
7. Buy some sesame oil and rub it on your arms. This will calm you and it’s important to have sesame oil on your arms before you sit down so your arms don’t dry out in the middle of your meditation – can you imagine! If you don’t know how to rub sesame oil on your arms, take this course!
8. Buy a Japanese folding screen. Not sure how this helps, but they kinda look cool. You can put it where you’re going to sit and then everyone knows that behind the screen is a budding meditation master. You can also masturbate behind one or pretend to be the dragon woman from The Golden Child.
9. Buy a monk. Many monks around the world need sponsors because they don’t have jobs. You can find one and maybe adopt him or her. See if they’ll live with you. You can feed and shelter them and they can sit with you and you can eat rice together.
10. Buy a bookshelf and then buy a lot of books about meditation to fill it. You’ll want a library to refer to when you have questions about your meditation practice. Even if you buy a monk the monk will not always be available. He might be taking a walk or watching Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce on Bravo.
If you follow these 10 steps you will be meditating in no time. Plus, you will be able to tell others how to meditate and they will revere you. That’s the best part.
“A little reverence goes a long way”
–well-known anonymous meditation master
