Um, I’m not trying to bring anyone down here, and I know no one wants to admit this, but let’s face it, these Tibetan prayer flags are not working.

I thought they were supposed to bring peace – so why do I have TONS of conflict in my life?! And don’t give me that “you’re still responsible for your own actions” BS. I know I’m responsible for my actions. That’s why I put up the flags! Isn’t putting them up one of my actions? Don’t I get any credit for that?

Why is it only the actions I say out loud with my mouth are the ones that seem to have consequences in this world?

I thought the flags would at least get me back on my liberal neighbor’s good side after I asked her if she’d be voting with her vagina again next election. Yet I put the flags up three weeks ago and she still avoids me. What’s up with that??? It was a joke! (sort of)

I thought maybe there wasn’t enough wind blowing on them, so I have a fan in the window blowing on them all day long. I thought this would increase the peace and blessings they are supposed to bestow on the world. You’d think they’d start with the one who put the flags up in the first place, no?

Should I not have expected a miracle from magic flags? Am I supposed to live with these hemorrhoids forever? I’ll accept that I gave my girlfriend herpes after cheating on her, but can’t the flags heal her resentment? Can they do anything?!

I’ve been standing on a ladder every day for hours in front of the flags, waiting for wind to blow the mantras all over my face. I’ve been crapped on by three separate birds, cut my leg on the ladder – I had to go to the hospital for a tetanus shot – and got a bad sun burn on my face. Can I at least blame the Chinese? Are the Chinese behind this???

Turns out – of course – there’s no Tibetan prayer flag customer service. How convenient for Tibetan flag manufacturers. There’s no return address, no phone number. Nowhere can I find how to get an RMA #. It’s almost like they don’t care whether I’m a satisfied customer or not.

Meanwhile, I got rear-ended yesterday, my insurance went up, I found out – the hard way – that I’m lactose intolerant, I have a swollen neck, my toe is broken, my gums are bleeding, my roof is leaking, and my boss hates me. Granted, I called him a selfish prick, but I only did it because I knew I’d be hanging the flags the next day. I figured they’d remove the karmic stain.

Flags, I’m begging you, for the love of god – work your magic!