Dear Cosmic Celeste,

My partner and I are vegans, but when we have sexual intercourse, I’ve had the urge to spread meat all over his body. There’s something about the “forbidden fruit” element that really gets me going. Is this normal? If so, do you have any suggestions for meat play? How do I talk to my partner about my cravings? Please, help!!!

Best,

Jerky Girl

Howdy, Jerky Girl!

First of all, I want to take a moment to applaud you on owning your sexuality girl! I’m literally clapping for you with two lamb chops on my hands as I type this out right now, which makes typing difficult, and messy.

Anywho, there is absolutely no shame in playing the meat game. In fact, I’m a participant as well! I’ve had a lot of experience being on the giving and receiving end of the “beefy buffet” as we call it in the meat-play community — which is actually much bigger than you’d think. So you’re definitely not bo-logne.

So, what kind of meat are we talkin’ here? Pork? Steak? Platypus? I personally use a specific cuisine based on my partner.

For example, I dated this Italian hottie once, and I totally put some penne bolognese all over her body; when I went down on her, it felt like I was in a 5 star restaurant. We even experimented with some butt stuff, which included just a simple meatball or two and a spoon.

I had a German partner and there were wiener schnitzels everywhere. He was one of my best meat partners, because he was very attentive to my needs. He’d say, “You want more schnitzel?” And I’d scream, “Yes, mein herr!”

I had another partner from Japan, but that didn’t go very well, and I don’t want to get into it.

So, how do you communicate this to your boyfriend? It’s pretty simple, actually. Like I said, the meat-play community is much bigger than you think. Maybe he’s a closet meat-ist too, and he’s just too shy to tell you. You should totally make the first move. Test the waters out.

But dear god, take it slow! Introducing meat into sex takes time. Don’t make the mistake I made and introduce too much meat too fast – you’ll be cleaning up for weeks, physically and emotionally.

Buy some meats that excite you and put them under his pillow. When things start getting hot and heavy, grab a small pepperoni or two, slap em on his nipples, and see what he thinks. If he makes a weird face, it’s probably because he’s overwhelmed with excitement.

Then introduce a new meat for the table — something bigger! Maybe…a nice, juicy T-Bone? Whatever floats your boat. I hope it goes well…or should I say, medium well. Enjoy your new appetite, fellow sex carnivore!

Stay hungry,

Cosmic Celeste