Ladakh, Jammu – A year ago Bill Frasier was like most Americans, working a steady job, paying a mortgage, filling his car up with gas, and masturbating to lesbian porn. But despite this recipe for success Frasier found himself perennially dissatisfied with life.

Furthermore, he frequently found himself embroiled in conflict with friends, family, coworkers, store clerks, fellow drivers on the road, street musicians, message board contributors, Mormons, Jews, Christians, and pretty much anyone with whom he came in contact.

“‘Enough!’ I finally said to myself,” Frasier told Egobaby. “I have always been a Buddhist and so I decided it was time for me to commit fully and leave this American society fraught with conflict and suffering and become the monk I knew I was supposed to be.”

The Tibetan monks at the Ladakh monastery Frasier chose to set up shop wish he’d return to his hometown, however. Since his arrival he has triangulated up a “fuck storm,” [sic] according to one anonymous monk and he “annoyingly OMs the loudest during meditation,” said another monk.

The abbott of the monastery told Frasier that his problems have followed him to Ladakh to which Frasier replied, “That’s ridiculous, it’s these monks who live here in their holier than thou mountain hermitage who have the problems, I’m just a mirror for their terrible personalities.”

“Technically, he’s right,” the abbott said, “but we’ve enjoyed peace and tranquility here for the last one hundred years, the only difference now that we’ve had so much conflict is Bill Frasier.”

“Don’t listen to everything that abbott says,” Frasier told Egobaby, “between you and me he’s a fucking liar and so are a lot of these monks. I always keep one eye open during meditation to make sure no one’s plotting against me.”