San Antonio, TX – Buddhist Todd Havermeyer found himself in uncharted territory last Friday night when his one night stand wanted him to talk dirty to her.

Not prone to dirty talk in general, Havermeyer wasn’t sure how to proceed as he also didn’t want to say anything too threatening, should his words create any negative karma.

“She was saying, ‘Talk dirty to me, tell me what you want me to do to you’,” Havermeyer told Egobaby, “So I said ‘Suck my dick, which is not separate from you, it only looks that way because of your dualistic perception.’ She cocked her head to the side and told me to try again.”

From there Havermeyer attempted a number of different avenues, none of which worked and only made things worse.

“I thought I would get her when I said ‘I’m gonna have to recite the mantra for the wrathful deity, Vajrakilaya, after I get through with you,’ but I think she got tripped up on the word ‘Vajrakilaya’,” Havermeyer said.

“I almost had things on the right track,” said Havermeyer, “When I said, ‘What’s the sound of one hand slapping your ass? Irrelevant, because tonight I’m using two hands’ but then I ruined it again when I said, “Have compassion for all beings, whore.'”

Fearing his date would be out the door shortly, Havermeyer doubled down and told her, “I neither want or not want to be inside of you. And I want you to remember that I was your mother in a past life, and so was everyone else.”

When he told her he was her mother that was her cue to leave, which she did.

“I guess next time I won’t mention the 11th century Bengali master, Atisha,” Havermeyer said.