Mercury Retrograde Effect on Aries

It’s curious you don’t get punched in the face more often. Your arrogance will finally alienate you from everyone you love. As you fight to keep things your way, nothing will work out for you. You will cry, drool & listen to “I Dreamed A Dream” from Les Miserables on repeat.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Taurus

You will divide your family. There will be a great deal of screaming. Your children will sleep at their friends’ & your spouse will fall asleep watching The Secret, building a mental vision board of a better life.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Gemini

No one knows who you really are, and neither do you. Your anxiety will peak, you won’t be able to make any decisions, and your lack of emotional depth will keep you from understanding what’s happening. “I don’t deserve this” will be your mantra. Good luck with that.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Cancer

Mercury will destroy your TV. Without the ability to watch TV alone in your home you will fall into a well of self-pity, remorse, and longing for the past. You will second-guess all of your decisions and conclude you will die without love. You’re not entirely wrong.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Leo

Say goodbye to being the center of attention when your phone breaks and you can’t get in touch with anyone to perform for. You’ll lose your mind and have a psychotic break. Get ready for a lonely hell, lacking the external validation you breathe like oxygen.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Virgo

Buckle up, Susan. Mercury’s about to take a piss on your pristine existence. You’re so organized you keep The Container Store in business, and this party is about spill red wine all over the white couch and exit naked through the front door, leaving a trail of diarrhea in its wake.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Libra

You will be brought to your darkest night of the soul. There will be no knocking on a neighbor’s door, making conversation with people at a bar or with loved ones or roommates or anyone. Without technology, you’ll be isolated in a cocoon of insecurity and fear imminent death.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Scorpio

You’re the only sign that will be jealous of Mercury, wishing it could be you who fucks up everyone’s shit. You will demi-god your way through the retrograde, warring with a planet you can’t see, resenting its influence, trying to manipulate it. Well, at least you’ll keep yourself busy.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Sagittarius

You might kill someone. Understand that words can be taken back but murder cannot, and this is your family. “Whatevs, I’ll get another family,” you’ll overconfidently say to yourself, yet you’ll grow increasingly impatient as Mercury thwarts your plans and you insult everyone you meet.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Capricorn

Your spouse leaves you (they’ve been planning it for a while) and your car gets towed. You don’t like change and you won’t survive this, but let’s face it, you expected it all along. Get your affairs in order.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Aquarius

You like gadgets, technology and toys, and all of these things are going to break because Mercury is a planet. Even your hand carved yo-yo’s will malfunction. You’re going to cry a lot at the gym. If you aren’t already an alcoholic, start drinking.

Mercury Retrograde Effects on Pisces

Lay low for a while. Friends and loved ones will seek your help, but your advice will be piss poor and ruin lives. You will create nightmares. People will blame you forever. Consider faking your own death.

Written by Jilly.